Discernment for the Family

When to Use Discernment

“Discernment” is only appropriate in certain cases:

• Some choices don’t have a moral weight (for example, which color you choose to paint your house).
• Other choices have a clear right-or-wrong choice. For example, if you accidentally damage another car in the parking lot, your conscience knows you should notify the owner.)
• Discernment helps you to decide between two or more good options or between two choices that include some morally positive and some morally negative aspects.

Parenting & Discernment

Decisions that call for discernment are tricky! As a parent, you have the added difficulty of deciding when and how to give your child more decicion-making power. You need to protect them from making decisions they're not yet equipped to make, but also help them move toward adulthood.

For example, you wouldn’t let your child eat candy for breakfast every morning because you know it isn’t healthy for them. You may not like telling your child "no" or making certain decisions on their behalf. However, as the adult in the family, this responsibility is yours and you should not cede it to your children to please them or to escape from their negative reaction.

Bigger decisions requiring discernment have higher stakes, which leaves you with more responsibility to make the best choice for your child. in some cases, you can involve your child somewhat in the discernment process to help you make a good decision and to start teaching them how to do so themselves.

An Example

Consider a middle-schooler who really wants to take French as an elective class that would require her to wake up an hour earlier to go to school. She has a very difficult time waking up on time for school as it is, needs medication 30 minutes before she eats breakfast, and becomes miserable when she is short on sleep (affecting her siblings and parents).

In this scenario, as much as she begs you to let her do it and as much as you don’t want to be “the bad guy,” this is really your decision as the parent to discern and make the final choice. Of course, you should include her in the conversation, but ultimately it is most appropriate for you to make the choice for her.

1. Choose the Greater Good

In the example above, yes, learning French can be a good thing. But is taking a French class at this stage in life a greater good than a 13-year-old getting enough sleep and keeping things smoother for the rest of the family?

Sometimes just by posing the question of “which is for the greater good?” will give you an immediate sense of which is the better choice that God is leading you toward.

2. Choose Hope, Health, and Fruits of the Spirit

Sometimes it’s clear which choice will lead to the fuller life that God wants for us, but sometimes the choice may seem counterintuitive or be misunderstood by others who aren’t operating from a faith standpoint.

For example, Maria always wanted to be a doctor and she excelled in her science classes in college. However, she also discovered a love of social work, and rather than applying to medical school Maria applied to a year-long volunteer program after graduation that would lead her into social work. Her parents and others looking in from the outside can’t understand how Maria could give up the dream of a well-respected and well-paid career for the unknowns of a career in social service. Yet she and her closest friends realized that she is happier, more at peace, and a more vibrant version of herself as she follows her heart into this new field. Being a doctor and being a social worker are both good things, but in this case, Maria realized that doing social work would lead to her greater flourishing.

3. Avoid Secrets

Often when people are tempted to do something wrong/evil/sinful they want to keep it a secret (for example, a person having an affair). That is usually a sign that something needs to be brought into the light. Just so, when you are trying to make a discernment, if there is any pull toward secrecy about the decision you have to make, you should treat that as a red flag. Make a special effort to talk with someone so that it can be brought into the light. As St. Ignatius taught, evil — or “The Tempter”—likes to work in the dark.

This does NOT mean that you should break confidentiality, nor that you have to proclaim to the whole world what you are discerning. It is an encouragement to share with another trusted person what you are wrestling with because they may see something that you are missing in the darkness.

For example, imagine you have become aware of a family secret that is causing deep injury to a relative. You want to help, but you also don’t want to upset the offender. You are trying to discern if you should do anything about the person causing the injury. The fact that you are tempted to continue guarding a secret is a sign that you should seek help, perhaps from an outside source like a health professional, therapist, spiritual advisor, or Twelve Step group.

4. Give Yourself Advice:

Another way to do this is to imagine yourself on your deathbed looking back on your big life decisions. Are there things you will regret or wish you did differently?

For example, if you are discerning between taking a very well-paid job (with a long commute that will require more time away from your family) and a job that pays less (but is closer to home and would not require overtime), imagine how you might view that decision on your deathbed. Would the extra money have been worth it to you? Or would you have preferred to live with less so that you could have more time at home?

Your “death bed self” might be able to offer some good advice to your current self.

5. Peace Is the Confirmation

If you have made a good discernment, peace should follow. This doesn’t mean you will only feel good about the decision (although you might). Sometimes God leads you to a decision that actually makes life harder on the surface, but is ultimately healthier and more life-giving for you. In such cases, there should be peace deep down (not superficially), and a sense that God is giving you the strength to do what you are led to do.

Consider the case of a woman who leaves an abusive boyfriend. Life might be much more complicated and fraught because she loses the economic stability of her boyfriend, but deep down she feels peace, strength, and a sense that God wants her to be safe and will help her to find the support she needs.

6. Try It On First

But you can assess this peace somewhat before making your decision. Go through a day or more pretending that you really have made the decision to go back to school part-time. Every moment that you can, think to yourself “I’m enrolling in school next semester” and notice how that lands in your heart as you imagine having made that decision. Then spend the next day or two pretending that instead you’ve decided you’re going to continue working part-time and staying home with the kids part-time and see how that feels.

Sometimes, you might discover that you already knew the best choice (“Yes, going back to school feels great! I can’t wait!”). Other times you might be surprised to realize that a decision that seemed best leaves you feeling unsettled, dissatisfied, and regretful (“Oh, I didn’t realize how much I would have to give up and how much I’ll have to miss if I go back to school now. This doesn’t feel like the right timing now.”).